He is everything I could have asked for, everything that I did ask for, plus things I had forgotten I'd even wanted. If there is a flaw, it's that he cares too much, and it's just stupid to think that that is a flaw. And of course I'm scared, mostly scared that I am going to hurt him somehow, but my instincts tell me it's okay and that I shouldn't worry. And so I won't, I'll just enjoy myself.


I am far too calm.

I found someone better.

People tell me I could do better. What if I don't want to? Why would I want somebody better whom I don't like, as opposed to somebody like him? And he's not that bad. We're the same in so many ways. I guess sometimes people just can't get past some things.. when really, he's never actually done anything wrong.

I mean, okay, he won't go for me anyway. This has been proven. But I can't control who I like. If I could, I'd be dating somebody else. There are always those people who you know you would be great with and could probably marry... if you liked them. Which you don't. And so it won't happen.. which is somewhat of a tragedy. Especially if you bake cookies with them.

There is a notorious lack of potential boyfriends at my school. Do I still like him because of this lack of attractive specimens, or is there a lack because I still like him? Because I've been looking, but nobody quite compares. But really. I can do better.

I can do better?

I know he's not 100% ideal, but the things I like about him outweigh the things I don't. I even like the little, stupid things about him that nobody else really cares about. Even his name is way better than a lot of people's. And he's different. He's just like everyone else, except not. Most people can't even tell what he's about most of the time. With a bit of observation and time I learned. I know him now. But he's a closed book that he doesn't want anyone to read. He covers everything up with jokes. I just want to be somebody he can talk to.

I'm not going to tell him. Everybody else knows, and he must. But once you put it in stone, if that person doesn't want you the way you want them then things can get awkward. He knew a year ago. I told others I was over him about half a year ago, I thought I was. I'm trying again I guess, the way I should have gone about it a year ago. But I'm not trying that incredibly hard. Maybe because I know the feelings aren't mutual. Maybe because I'm actually friends with him now and see him more often. I hate the fact that I am still stuck on him. It has been just over a year now and I don't even think that we've ever even hugged. I fell asleep on his shoulder once, and we've had our moments.. but wow. That is sad. I'm not even scared to, it's just never occurred to me.

I wonder if he realizes why I don't like those girls. Nikki does. She gave me a smug look when him and I were talking about them in the car. At least I think it was aimed at me. I can't help hoping that he'll talk to me more and them less now that he knows. I know that won't happen. It's okay. I won't let it bother me next week. Oh feelings. Hahaha. They are awesome. But really, actually not that amazing to talk about. But I'm actually in a good mood, very calm and content, even though you can't really tell over the internet. For future reference, self, I am actually in a good mood. Remember that when you're reading this a few months from now.

But he knows. He must.

And if I could do better, wouldn't somebody better feel this way about me right now?

There is something that I am hoping for, but I will never tell anyone because if it never happens, it will have been set in some sort of substance. If it's never said it will not even be set in that disgusting stuff orthodontists use to make imprints of your teeth.

Who is there that is better?

What the hell is Ron not doing on the cover? Malfoy is, why not Ron? Is Ron suddenly not good enough for the cover? What is this?! (Burn on you Ron, you B-list fiction character)

A startling occurrence: Does Ron die?! I'd much rather have Harry die... what a whiny, caps-lock kid. Waah, nobody understands me, my parents left me at a young age, I have so much pent-up rage that I don't know what to do with.. waaah. The ultimate emo, right after Romeo. I'd demonstrate by typing a passage from the book but I just can't be bothered. It goes something like:

Dumbledore: You do care, Harry. You care so much that you feel you could die from the pain of it all.

Harry: I DON'T CARE. I DON'T! I DON'T! *throws things at Dumbledore* *sob sob* I'm so tragic. Wah wah. *cut cut cut* I'm saaaad. *writes emo song* (much like the one Jon Volkmar sang in Interview with God, if anybody is familiar with Goddamnstupidhead productions)

And I mean, come on. Why are redheads with freckles always the secondary characters? They're just as nice as others... well except for maybe in South Park, where the "gingers" suffer from gingivitis (as Justin keeps recounting to me.. I know, Justin, I know you like that episode!)

Yeah Ron, you go ahead and die. Leave Hermione all alone-y on her own-y. See if I care. I bet I won't.

God, life is such a soap opera.

• Mood: Content
• Listening to: Evita
• Reading: 1984-George Orwell
• Eating: Nothing
• Drinking: Tea

Mirrored at my devart account

Don't mind the fact that I switch tenses halfway through this, I'm sick and don't really feel like fixing it.

Hey hey, look who hasn't updated in ages! I haven't even been keeping up with my message box.. I had about 600 deviations to go through so I probably won't now. I haven't had a journal entry for over a month now, so I figured I might say something.

This week = best week of my life.

I'll start on Saturday.

Saturday, March 3.

Jazz festival. I play the bari sax (My first year on it, I normally play alto.. but I went to band camp and tried the bari and I liked it a lot) in the big band, and it's been giving me odd problems ever since I got it. Squeaking, not playing at all, made me wonder if I just sucked a lot. The week before our performance, it was working surprisingly well. It was great! I could hit all the high and low notes with no effort.

We get to the festival on Saturday, and 5 minutes before we go on, it cuts out on me entirely. It wouldn't play anything higher than a high A, and I needed to come in on a high C#, and hit a high E (Quite high on a bari sax... I believe E is the highest, and C# is 4 half-steps higher than an A) later on in the song. But no, it refused to play. So we walk on, and I tell my teacher that my saxophone isn't working. One of the volunteers had their bari sax there, so we tried using that with my own reed and mouthpiece, but to no avail. It was quite the drama, but the show must go on. So, we tried for the first song, it was pretty decent, considering it was all in the low range. Then came the second song that is entirely super high on the bari. It refused to work, squeaking and crying out like a tortured cat. No lies. So, in the middle of the song, I quickly switched to my original sax. Nope. Still not working. So I didn't play that song at all, I just pretended. The next song went well though. It was all mid-range, and I was glad because I got to play the soli. (A solo section involving all the saxophones).

Also, my trusty backpack broke, and there is no saving it. Oh well, my mom said she'd get me the Shakespeare bag from Married to the Sea! Yay! All is not lost!

I want some sushi..

Monday, March 5.

Oh yes, jazz band. Time to listen to the adjudicators' recordings. There are two, and a written piece. One of the adjudicators was a bit of a nut, but I really liked her. Before we started you could hear her laughing about fried chicken to the guy next to her. In the background, what do I hear? Oh yes, my half-dead cat of a bari sax, squawking away. Oh, music to my ears. It's a darn good thing that a dysfunctional instrument doesn't affect the adjudication. She said.. "Ooh, I wonder what the story with the bari sax is? Hmm..." The next guy was good too. He said that we were one of the best big bands he'd ever heard. Then he said.. "Oh wow, switching saxophones mid-song... this is so dramatic. I am impressed... I wonder what is up with the bari sax?" Good thing I have an excellent sense of humour, I might have cried. And I still don't have a bag. And the bag from MTTS doesn't ship internationally

Tuesday, March 6.

Pretty normal day, catch the bus at around 8-ish, yeah, go to school. Blah blah. Now I have to sell 3 boxes of chocolate bars... good, shouldn't be too hard. I've already sold about 10 bars.. Oh wait, what's this? Choir until 6 tonight? No worries. Oh... rehearsal for Major Production at 7.. better call my mom. Oh dear, looks like I'm not going home until after rehearsal... oh wait, no. There is a jazz concert that I have to go to at eight. Darn. (We have to go to them for marks for jazz band.) Maybe my mom will bring me food. Oh dear, she sounds upset for me telling her last minute. Oh, but my teachers are wonderful! They are going to give me some leftover pizza from the open house tonight. Hoo-rah, I'll call my mom to tell her she doesn't have to come after all! Oh... oh.. no, she's angry. Oh dear. Sorry mom.

So, rehearsal starts at 7.. that's cool. Oh... I think I heard my teacher say his name in the hallway.. he's been away for two weeks. Oh somebody else has heard it too! He's back! Hooray! And he's tanned.. he's practically orange... hahahaha burn. (Everybody mobbed him, it was amazing. How do people become so popular? It's absolutely ridiculous.) Well, I've had a "crush" on him for long enough... it's time to say something because I know he knows, and I know all of his friends know too, and I've never actually said anything anyway. And even though I am pretty sure he doesn't like me back I have to get that out of the way so that I won't ever regret not saying anything, and I won't ever wonder.

That night on MSN

OHH rejected. That's okay. We aren't that close anyway. Just sort of unfortunate. Oh well, it's okay. I just hope it doesn't get too awkward.

Wednesday, March 7.

Okay... a little bit depressed now... man. Sorta blows. Oh well. Things will be better, I'll be over it pretty soon. Ughghhhhhh.

Awww, man. They're auditioning my solo in choir... I sure hope I get to keep it, it is my favorite one and I love it.

Oh. Crap.. catching a cold.

But, I am infinitely cheered up, I got a new bag. It is blue and wonderful. Oooh, and we're going out for supper! A sushi supper no less. Ohhhh it is so good. How I love sushi. And Agadashi Tofu. (A deepfried tofu in flavorful sauce. So delicious)

No.. nope. It's the flu. Hooray. My throat is killing me and I have a headache. I have so much homework.. oh well. I can't do it, I'm too tired. And I have a fever of 100.

I'm lying in bed, wearing mittens, socks, a tshirt and two hoodies and pyjama pants and I am still freezing. I know that it is bad for my fever but I am so cold. I call my dad into the room and he warmed me up pretty well... he is a furnace. Really he is. I was amazed at how I could stand being so close to him wearing as much clothing as I was.

Thursday, March 8.

Ughgghhhh. I don't want to get out of bed but I need to go to schooooool. Ughghhhh I can't even swallow anything... oh hello cat, I love you. Okay, well I'll just sleep for a couple more minutes and see if somebody will drive me.

Oh crap, it's noon. And I am still not feeling so hot, maybe I will stay home today... I just hope I can go to band tonight. I ate a muffin and now my stomach hurts.. so I can't even eat anything. Oh well. At least my fever is gone.

Daaaaamn. I can't even go to band tonight. And apparently it sounds like I'm getting strepthroat so I am not to leave the house.

And even after all that, I'm still pretty content.. why? I don't know. A little too optimistic? Maybe. We'll see how the rest of my week goes I guess. I think I'll buy one of my chocolate bars. It sounds delicious and I am hungry.

I sure hope I am better by next week, because choir festival is then and I am going to volunteer for jazzfest. (It sounds like I am obsessed with jazz but really, I'm not. It's just that everything seems to be happening all at once)

Oh... great. As soon as I go to post this, devART goes into fricken' read-only maintenance mode.

****

And if you read all that, good on you. Although sort of weird if you like reading people's complaints, as witty and humorous as they are

I don't know, really. There seems to be a force working against it... it wasn't at first, in fact, things were working for it at the beginning, and now it's as if the karmic forces have changed their minds and decided they were wrong and are now trying to prevent anything from happening. I mean, I like him, but things are just not working out. At all. And it isn't from lack of trying, either.

The Cello.

I wish I could play it. It is the most beautiful sounding instrument, I think. It is one of the few instruments that makes me feel emotion just by hearing it played well. Most instruments played well impress me, and I enjoy it, but the cello seems to tap into my emotions most.

It is just so pretty, and elegant. I wish I could play it.