People tell me I could do better. What if I don't want to? Why would I want somebody better whom I don't like, as opposed to somebody like him? And he's not that bad. We're the same in so many ways. I guess sometimes people just can't get past some things.. when really, he's never actually done anything wrong.

I mean, okay, he won't go for me anyway. This has been proven. But I can't control who I like. If I could, I'd be dating somebody else. There are always those people who you know you would be great with and could probably marry... if you liked them. Which you don't. And so it won't happen.. which is somewhat of a tragedy. Especially if you bake cookies with them.

There is a notorious lack of potential boyfriends at my school. Do I still like him because of this lack of attractive specimens, or is there a lack because I still like him? Because I've been looking, but nobody quite compares. But really. I can do better.

I can do better?

I know he's not 100% ideal, but the things I like about him outweigh the things I don't. I even like the little, stupid things about him that nobody else really cares about. Even his name is way better than a lot of people's. And he's different. He's just like everyone else, except not. Most people can't even tell what he's about most of the time. With a bit of observation and time I learned. I know him now. But he's a closed book that he doesn't want anyone to read. He covers everything up with jokes. I just want to be somebody he can talk to.

I'm not going to tell him. Everybody else knows, and he must. But once you put it in stone, if that person doesn't want you the way you want them then things can get awkward. He knew a year ago. I told others I was over him about half a year ago, I thought I was. I'm trying again I guess, the way I should have gone about it a year ago. But I'm not trying that incredibly hard. Maybe because I know the feelings aren't mutual. Maybe because I'm actually friends with him now and see him more often. I hate the fact that I am still stuck on him. It has been just over a year now and I don't even think that we've ever even hugged. I fell asleep on his shoulder once, and we've had our moments.. but wow. That is sad. I'm not even scared to, it's just never occurred to me.

I wonder if he realizes why I don't like those girls. Nikki does. She gave me a smug look when him and I were talking about them in the car. At least I think it was aimed at me. I can't help hoping that he'll talk to me more and them less now that he knows. I know that won't happen. It's okay. I won't let it bother me next week. Oh feelings. Hahaha. They are awesome. But really, actually not that amazing to talk about. But I'm actually in a good mood, very calm and content, even though you can't really tell over the internet. For future reference, self, I am actually in a good mood. Remember that when you're reading this a few months from now.

But he knows. He must.

And if I could do better, wouldn't somebody better feel this way about me right now?

There is something that I am hoping for, but I will never tell anyone because if it never happens, it will have been set in some sort of substance. If it's never said it will not even be set in that disgusting stuff orthodontists use to make imprints of your teeth.

Who is there that is better?